That Number We All Dread

          I apologize for how long it has taken me to post this week. I try to post every Sunday, but I haven't been home much this weekend so this is the first time I have had the chance to actually sit down, relax, and put my thoughts down. I debated for a long time what I wanted this post today to be about. I've covered food and running and life just not being fair at times..."What would my readers want to hear about this week?" I asked myself. Why not our weight? That terrible 3 digit number we can't bear to open our eyes to. That number that we hope and pray is a lot smaller than it actually is. Today, people, I am going to TRY and help you overcome the fear of the scale.

          About two months ago, a friend of mine was over at my apt. She asked to use my scale to weigh herself and of course I willing allowed her to. She stepped on the scale and within seconds this was her reaction, "Oh my gosh! 140 pounds?! I'm HUGE!" I looked up from what I was doing amazed. Shocked. Astonished. This beautiful, fit, curvy girl was standing in my bathroom COMPLAINING about being 140 pounds! I just couldn't believe my ears. A few things went through my head all at once. One being "IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR!" (Sorry, Mom!) "Honey, if you think 140 is fat, what would you think of me if I told you I was 180?" "How selfish of you!" "Well thanks for making me want to go starve myself!" Now, I didn't utter a single one of those things to my friend. I simply said, "Girl, you look great! That number is exactly what it is...a number! It does not define you. It does not show what is on the inside. A beautiful, loving, determined heart." And that was the end of that conversation. I couldn't bear to hear her complain for another second about her perfect (to me it was!) body.

          Okay, confession time...
It was second semester of my freshman year of college. I was miserable. I was 8 hours away from home. 10 hours away from my boyfriend. I was having roommate problems. I wasn't making a lot of friends. I hated Florida. I was just absolutely miserable. And apparently I was coping with food. Shocking, right?! HA! One night I was in the bathroom and as I was undressing I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my body. I mean really looked at it. It was there in that bathroom that I hit my breaking point. I looked down to see stretch marks on my stomach. I associated stretch marks with one thing...fat people. Not overweight, not chubby but FAT. I was fat. How in the WORLD had I let myself get to this point? I stepped on the scale shortly after and the number that hit me in the face was unbelievable. Like I honestly thought my scale was broken or someone was stepping on the scale with me. I weighed in that night at a whopping 204 pounds. Never in all my life did I think I would cross the 200 line. Well, people, it happened. Just like that. I was over 200 pounds. I think I sat at the bottom of my shower that night for 30 minutes and cried. There was one word that came to mind that described me perfectly...disgusting. I was absolutely disgusted with myself.

          This picture is from my freshman year of college (I'm the girl in the green on the right). You know, when I weighed 204 pounds. Now, I will say I held 204 pounds pretty well. I am tall (5'8'') so that helped a little, but looking back at these pictures makes me realize how unhappy I really was.

This picture is from my sophomore year of college. Still about 200 pounds. Obviously the stretch marks and sob fest I had in the shower that night didn't change much. I think at this point in my life I knew I had to do something, but I had NO idea what to do or how to even start. 

        Fat, ugly, gross, unattractive, unappealing, lost, broken, unhappy, miserable, in denial, lonely, unhealthy

All words that I felt defined me at this time in my life. (I'll come back to this later :) )

          Anyway, it wasn't till about a month ago as I was reading Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst (If I haven't already recommended this book, GO GET IT!) that I had a total "AH HA!" moment (which I must admit happened a lot while reading this book). She wrote something that made me realize how wrong I have been all my life about my weight. For all my life my identity and self-worth were dependent on one thing...my body image. Brothers and sisters, that number we all dread to see does not define you as a person. It in no way determines your self worth. Let me repeat myself. YOUR WEIGHT DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. THAT NUMBER ON THE SCALE DOES NOT SHOW OTHERS HOW WORTHY YOU ARE. Sorry, for the yelling, but I wanted to make sure you all heard me. God loves you. Fat rolls and all. He does. BUT that doesn't mean he wants you to be unhealthy or unhappy. What I'm trying to say is, if you are struggling to accept the number on the scale (like I have for so many years, and still do) God's power has given us everything we need to become victorious in those struggles. Don't find your identity through food or exercise or a silly number on the scale, find your identity in Christ. Yeah, becoming healthy has a lot to do with faith, and goodness, and knowledge, but it also takes self-control and perseverance. All those things come from our Father. I promise if you allow those things to help you not only in your physical journey but your spiritual journey, you will be successful, and God will be so proud. Remember who you are. Remember who's you are. AND remember why you are doing this. Your focus should always be on God. Are you pleasing Him? 

These pictures were all taken in the last month. I weigh 173 pounds today. Not where I want to be, but I am content with my weight. I do not let it define me. I know it does not show my worth. 

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Fit, beautiful, lovely, attractive, appealing, whole, happy, content, loved, healthy healthier, strong, confident

          I love myself. AND I love my body. Hard work really does pay off. I think my scale likes me a little more now, too. Not as much fat to weight anymore ;) 

"If we make the choice to be Jesus girls who offer our willingness to exercise self-control and perseverance to the glory of God, we can lose weight, get healthy, and walk in confidence that it is possible to escape the cycle of losing and gaining back again. We can be victorious. We can step on the scale and accept the numbers for what they are--an indication of how much our body weighs--and not an indication of our worth."

So, I ask you my friends, are you treating your body like a temple of God? If not, what are you "weighting" for?

Press on, my supportive, loving people, press on. And choose victory. Always. 

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." 1 Peter 1:3-4

          On a side note, I started my half-marathon training yesterday. It's been challenging for sure, but I love it! If you have Instagram and would like to follow my fitness/health account my name is @made2craverunner. Lots of good stuff there! 

          Also, a special shout out to all my wonderful friends, family, and strangers who have been reading my blog and following me on Instagram. Your support means the world to me. I could not do this without your love and encouragement. Thank you for all the sweet comments and words of affirmation that I am doing something great. I love you all. Keep reading, and I'll keep posting :)